"If the magic's in the makeup...

who am I?"

"Magic's In The Makeup" - No Doubt

The latter part of that quotation is a question I ask myself all the time, and each time the answer is different. One of the hardest things in life is to figure out who you really are, and even more, to accept who that person is. To know yourself means to be aware of your weaknesses, your strengths, and everything in between. It's means to know your limits and to be responsible for your actions. It means to be aware of how you think, and how your actions affect other people. It is crucial to be in touch with yourself because it gives you confidence and a sense of peace in knowing who you really are. Knowing yourself lets you focus on other aspects of your life without constantly having to be weighed down by your insecurities. By focusing on what your weaknesses are, and trying to make them stronger, we are left less vulnerable to those weaknesses. This can only be accomplished by really exploring your inner-self.

I believe that my worst quality, by far, is my temper. I let the dumbest things send me over the edge. Whenever I'm overtired, I feel threatened, or am just in a bad mood, I lash out at and hurt those I love with words. I am ashamed of this trait, but I cannot deny it. I have combated this ugly side of me by using my guilt to prevent me from lashing out. Whenever I feel the urge to say something mean, I stop and think about what I'm about to say and how it will affect that person. I have hurt many people in the past with words I didn't mean and I have learned from those experiences.

I think that my best quality is my sense of humor. My sense of humor is so valuable because it enables me to shed light on really bad situations in an appropriate way. I have found that by contributing my humorous take on a situation, people tend to relax and develop a more optimistic view on the situation. I know that humor is definitely inappropriate for certain times, but usually I am able to find a way to help people lighten up about something negative.

Another one of my good qualities is my ability to be honest with myself and with others. My biggest inner struggle has been coming to terms with my sexuality and accepting that it's part of who I am. Over the past five plus years, I have fought a tug-of-war battle in trying to be "okay" with being homosexual. Many times I have been in doubt, shame, fear, and disbelief that I was gay. I can't fully say that I am 100% fine with who I am in terms of my sexuality, but I am without a doubt a stronger and more confident person ever since I came out. I am glad that I am aware of my sexuality and that I started to acknowledge and accept it at a relatively young age. Through discovering and accepting my sexuality, I have become much more honest with myself about a major factor of who I am.
Likewise, I am able to be honest with other people. Most relationship problems are based on dishonesty and that fact pushes me to be honest with everyone in order to avoid any problems. I hate, above all things, lying. I have no respect for people who cheat and lie to fulfill their selfish desires. This also motivates me to be honest. I want to be someone that people can trust and respect and I believe that these two qualities are based on honesty. I am honest with people about my feelings, my thoughts, and everything else. Honesty is the root of all relationships and that is why I feel so strongly about it.

Most people hate thinking and writing about themselves. Sometimes we don't want to dive into the abyss that is "me" for fear that we might find something we don't necessarily like. We tend to focus on the traits which we are proud of, or approve of, and usually let those qualities be known to other people. In turn, we often times hide what we don't like, figuring it is easier to ignore it and not deal with it. But is it really easier to do that? I have learned that ignoring what I don't like about myself only leads to insecurities and sadness. I am not able to focus on the positive aspects of my life because I am always preoccupied with that which I am try to suppress.
This has been my second-favorite blog assignment (next to "Carpe Diem",) because it forced me to think about myself and I believe that I can walk away from this assignment with a better sense of what I value in my life. It was difficult thinking about my worst and best qualities because that is not something I often think about. It's so hard to write about oneself because we are so caught up with so many aspects of our lives such as school, family, work, etc. that we don't sit down and think about who we really are. I think that everyone needs more alone time to reflect on their character and who they are as a person. Too many people drift through life never knowing who they are and that is such a sad thing to see. We must first connect with ourselves and find out who that person is before we can ever connect with anyone else in an honest and meaningful way.