"If the magic's in the makeup...

who am I?"

"Magic's In The Makeup" - No Doubt

The latter part of that quotation is a question I ask myself all the time, and each time the answer is different. One of the hardest things in life is to figure out who you really are, and even more, to accept who that person is. To know yourself means to be aware of your weaknesses, your strengths, and everything in between. It's means to know your limits and to be responsible for your actions. It means to be aware of how you think, and how your actions affect other people. It is crucial to be in touch with yourself because it gives you confidence and a sense of peace in knowing who you really are. Knowing yourself lets you focus on other aspects of your life without constantly having to be weighed down by your insecurities. By focusing on what your weaknesses are, and trying to make them stronger, we are left less vulnerable to those weaknesses. This can only be accomplished by really exploring your inner-self.

I believe that my worst quality, by far, is my temper. I let the dumbest things send me over the edge. Whenever I'm overtired, I feel threatened, or am just in a bad mood, I lash out at and hurt those I love with words. I am ashamed of this trait, but I cannot deny it. I have combated this ugly side of me by using my guilt to prevent me from lashing out. Whenever I feel the urge to say something mean, I stop and think about what I'm about to say and how it will affect that person. I have hurt many people in the past with words I didn't mean and I have learned from those experiences.

I think that my best quality is my sense of humor. My sense of humor is so valuable because it enables me to shed light on really bad situations in an appropriate way. I have found that by contributing my humorous take on a situation, people tend to relax and develop a more optimistic view on the situation. I know that humor is definitely inappropriate for certain times, but usually I am able to find a way to help people lighten up about something negative.

Another one of my good qualities is my ability to be honest with myself and with others. My biggest inner struggle has been coming to terms with my sexuality and accepting that it's part of who I am. Over the past five plus years, I have fought a tug-of-war battle in trying to be "okay" with being homosexual. Many times I have been in doubt, shame, fear, and disbelief that I was gay. I can't fully say that I am 100% fine with who I am in terms of my sexuality, but I am without a doubt a stronger and more confident person ever since I came out. I am glad that I am aware of my sexuality and that I started to acknowledge and accept it at a relatively young age. Through discovering and accepting my sexuality, I have become much more honest with myself about a major factor of who I am.
Likewise, I am able to be honest with other people. Most relationship problems are based on dishonesty and that fact pushes me to be honest with everyone in order to avoid any problems. I hate, above all things, lying. I have no respect for people who cheat and lie to fulfill their selfish desires. This also motivates me to be honest. I want to be someone that people can trust and respect and I believe that these two qualities are based on honesty. I am honest with people about my feelings, my thoughts, and everything else. Honesty is the root of all relationships and that is why I feel so strongly about it.

Most people hate thinking and writing about themselves. Sometimes we don't want to dive into the abyss that is "me" for fear that we might find something we don't necessarily like. We tend to focus on the traits which we are proud of, or approve of, and usually let those qualities be known to other people. In turn, we often times hide what we don't like, figuring it is easier to ignore it and not deal with it. But is it really easier to do that? I have learned that ignoring what I don't like about myself only leads to insecurities and sadness. I am not able to focus on the positive aspects of my life because I am always preoccupied with that which I am try to suppress.
This has been my second-favorite blog assignment (next to "Carpe Diem",) because it forced me to think about myself and I believe that I can walk away from this assignment with a better sense of what I value in my life. It was difficult thinking about my worst and best qualities because that is not something I often think about. It's so hard to write about oneself because we are so caught up with so many aspects of our lives such as school, family, work, etc. that we don't sit down and think about who we really are. I think that everyone needs more alone time to reflect on their character and who they are as a person. Too many people drift through life never knowing who they are and that is such a sad thing to see. We must first connect with ourselves and find out who that person is before we can ever connect with anyone else in an honest and meaningful way.

But what if...?

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."
-Sydney J. Harris

This is a better composed version of the best advice I've received in my life. I cannot remember where or when I heard this, or who I heard it from, which is somewhat ironic, but I have applied it to my life many times since. This quote means that it is okay for us to make mistakes in life because at least we know how things turned out, even if they were not the way we would have wanted. On the other hand, if you do not go ahead and do what you really want to do you will regret it more because you will never know what might have happened.

I went to Camp Hi-Rock for the first time when I was seven years old and hated it. The following three years I decided to not return. After that, I went back to camp for three consecutive summers and had a great time, and most recently this past summer. I found a sense of home and learned to love the place. I regret all those camp-free summers and wish that I had not been so scared to go to camp. I think about all the missed opportunities to make friends and memories. I have learned that it is better to take a try something new and risk the possibility of failure rather than playing it safe and potentially miss out on making special memories. I am happy that I did return to camp this year and plan to for many more summers.

I don't believe there has been a time in my life where I have regretted something I have done more than I have regretted something I have not done. The thing about regrets which are made from actions it that they heal over time and you can sometimes go back and laugh at them. The scary thing about regretting something you have never done is that you can look back on it and just wonder what things could have been like. We only have a certain amount of time in this world and it's important to take risks and do new things instead of "playing it safe" and sticking to our old habits. The inconsolability of regretting that which we do not do is the constant question of "what if?" which never seems to go away.

Ever since learning this valuable piece of advice, I have made a conscious effort to try as many new things as possible in order to escape "what if?" At the end of my life I don't want to look back on everything and wonder what my life would have been like if I had taken that chance or done that one thing that could have changed my own or someone else's life. The worst thing in this world is regretting what we haven't done.

Thoughts on Life

Life is a strange thing. We are all forced into it, but without any explanation as to why we're here. At times we may feel frustrated with this notion, but usually we forget about our seemingly meaningless existence. To do this, we give our lives our own meanings. We do this by creating a generally accepted path for most human beings: school, work, marriage, death. Repeat, repeat, repeat through the generations. Most people believe that by following this path one will find a sort of meaning to his life. True, all of these require commitment - which is another way of saying they require a lot of time and energy - which fills up a persons life with things to do. But is this really a fulfilling way of life? Sure, marriage can certainly bring happiness to many, but what about those who do not wish to or are not able to get married? To me, life is not about following a regulated path. Life should be about doing what you love. Without love, our lives are meaningless. A life lived with love is one with value.

To find out if our lives have any value, we must think about what drives us, what we want to accomplish, and what is important to us. If all of those things are centered around love, then one's life is meaningful.

The meaning of life is to love as much as possible. I can't say whether or not we're all here as a test, of some sort, which will determine what happens to us after our deaths, but I can say that the only true thing in this world is love. Love is the only thing that withstands the tests of time, distance, and always overcomes hatred and evil, one way or another.

When I ask myself "what do I want to accomplish in my lifetime?" I struggle with finding an easy answer. In my lifetime I hope to travel to at least three continents other than North America, find a real sense of love, open my mind as much as I possibly can, always provide support for my family, and change at least one life for the better.

I feel the need to travel. I want to travel to at least three other continents before I die. This is important to me because I believe that life is far too short to always stay in one place. I want to experience the different cultures of the world and meet as many people as I can. I want to see beautiful sights, hear new music, taste exotic foods, explore ancient ruins, and feel what the people of that certain place feel. To me, this is what life is all about. As humans, we need to experience new things and one of the best ways to do this is to travel. If we close ourselves off to the world and never change, we will never grow and reach our full potential as human beings.

I want to find a true sense of love in my lifetime. When I say the world "love," I mean it in a romantic manner as well as in friendship. To me, the best kind of love is created through friendship. I want to find companionship; someone who understands me as well as I understand myself and vice versa. Ever since I was younger, I've been infatuated with the idea of "true love," and as I've grown older, I've learned that it is much more than an impulsive, reckless act (similar to the way Romeo and Juliet acted,); it is the deepest kind of friendship that exists in this world. It's the kind of love that takes time to develop and is not built upon reckless passion. This is an important goal for humanity because we all feel the natural need for companionship and protection. Every human being longs for love and companionship in order to feel more whole. Love makes us stronger and more able to do things that we may not have been able to do on our own.

Another thing I wish to accomplish is to open up my mind as much as I can. I want to become as tolerant as possible of other people. I want to learn about how people live and become as knowledgeable about life as I can. I want to discover how and why things work. I want to accomplish this through college education and religion. I have yet to find a religion that I really agree with, but once I finally do, I believe I will find answers to many of life's mysteries. This goal is important to the human race because knowledge lets us progress our civilization into one that is stronger and more educated. We must educate the future generations so they can be able to run an efficient society once we are all gone.

I also want to be there for my family as much as possible. My mom, dad, sisters, and other relatives have always been of constant support throughout my life. Without their love, financial support, and trust, I would not be the same person I am today. In return, I want to do whatever I can to support and help out my family. To me, family is the most important thing in the world. Without the love of a family, we are nothing. I want to always be available to help my loved ones in whatever way necessary. This is an important goal for humanity because families make us who we are. In turn, it is important to return the love and support one is given by his family. As humans, we must keep our families close in order to love and be loved.

Last, but most definitely not least, I want to change one person's life for the better. I'm not exactly sure how I will accomplish this, but if I can do one anything that will turn a person's life around or cheer him up or save his life, then my life was worth living. I want to be a positive influence on others and serve as a type of role model for younger generations, such as my little sister. This is important to humanity because if everyone lives with the hope to change someone's life for the better, the world would be a much happier place. If everyone were more selfless we would have much less stressful lives. We must all seek to help each other because we only have one world.

My life goals are few, but significant: to travel the world, to find a meaningful sense of love, to become knowledgeable about the world, to be there for my family, and to have a positive influence on someone's life. Life is too short to live without any direction in life. These goals help me focus on what I want out of life, what will make me and others happy, and how I can repay the deeds other people have done for me. We must have life goals. If we do not, we will be condemned to a life of selfishness and emptiness.

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Now playing: Tegan and Sara - Missing You
via FoxyTunes

Everything Must Die

"There is no permanence."

This quote means that everything in this world must eventually come to an end. Nothing lasts forever except for time. Time, coincidentally, is what causes everything to end, or die. Time transforms new to old, shiny to rusty, energetic to worn, fresh to stale.

As human beings we are scared of death and the end of everything we know and love. Eventually we must come to terms with the notion of death and impermanence and accept that everything must come to an end. Death is the natural part of the life cycle and it is the price every living thing pays for living.

Seldom does one generation think about the world ten generations later. Human beings abuse their world by doing what is easy: we consume ridiculous amounts of gasoline, paper, and other natural resources to satisfy the needs of "now." We do not think ahead of time what problems we could be causing for our relatives and the world in general by being so selfish. About half of the mature rain forests which once thrived have been felled in the selfish quest for resources to accommodate the growing population.

We must overcome our fear of death or we will be destined to be miserable our entire lives. Instead of waking up each day and contemplating how much time we may have left on earth, we must ask ourselves "How can I make the most out of today?" and ignore that we will eventually die. "Give in to love, or live in fear." This quote from the musical RENT can be applied to the notion of living everyday to its fullest. Many of the characters in RENT have AIDS and must learn to cope with the disease and overcome their fear of dying from it. Instead of sitting around and thinking about how they will die, the characters celebrate life and open their hearts in unexpected ways.

Similarly, we must open our hearts and love as much as we possibly can because, after all, life is about loving. Without love we are miserable. We all naturally feel the need to love and be loved. We are able to cope with the notion of death by loving. With love, we can overcome anything, even death. Even though a loved one may die, the time you and that person shared will live on in your memory and that is how he or she lives on forever. Knowing that you loved and that you were loved in return is worth the price of death.

We go through life following a very regulated path. From the time we are only a few years old we are told what we must do to have a "happy life": go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, have children. Is that really the key to happiness? Is that how we want to spend our one life? We don't think about these things when we are so young, we're just happy to have a path to follow. It is when we get older that we question this vision of the ideal life. We ask ourselves "what about what I want to do with my life?" and "what makes me happy?" The answer to these questions are the only things that will give us a sense of satisfaction and happiness in living. It is when we do not know what makes us happy when we turn to fame in desperation of being remembered forever. The fear that you will die without being remembered is one of the most common amongst human beings. Being remembered forever is, in a way, living forever.

After Enkidu's death, Gilgamesh becomes obsessed with finding eternal life since he is scared of dying. He is unable to find eternal life and lives out the rest of his days miserable. The ironic thing about Gilgamesh is that he did in fact live on through literature and accomplished his quest for eternal life.

The thing we must remember is that we must make the most of each day by loving and trying as many new things as possible. We must live in the moment and not think about the past or the future. This is how we will get full satisfaction out of life and, in a way, even cheat death.



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Now playing: Rufus Wainwright - Do I Disappoint You
via FoxyTunes

What Is A Hero?

In Beowulf, The Odyssey, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Lord of the Rings, the main character, or the protagonist, is involved in some kind of struggle which he/she must overcome.

A hero is an individual who is courageous, selfless, and possesses some kind of extraordinary power. A hero must be courageous to face seemingly insurmountable odds. For example, Luke Skywalker in Star Wars had to take on the task of destroying the Death Star which seemed impossible. He succeeded in doing this by courageously taking on the task, putting the freedom of the galaxy before his own needs, and, most importantly, using the "Force" (which he is especially good at) and thus makes him a hero.

A woman can most definitely be a hero. Some of the greatest pop icons are heroines (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider). The reason women did not have the leading role as a hero in the books written/movies made is because these works were created at a time when women were generally never viewed as "real heroes". This sexism is derived from the stereotype of women being less capable of men in general.

Heroes serve as role models for many. Heroes give hope to those who may have none, even though many heroes are fictional. We need heroes to solve the problems that "everyday people" cannot. The quote "Unhappy the land that needs heroes." says that unless there are no problems in a society, heroes are needed. Heroes obviously cannot satisfy the needs of everyone and that is why the "land" is unhappy.

Realistically, ordinary people can be heroes. A hero doesn't have to be a muscular man in spandex who can fly. Real life heroes are often never glorified, much less noticed. A real hero, to me, is one who does what is moral without expecting to get anything in return. A hero could be an older brother or sister taking time out of his/her day to play with a younger sibling. A hero could be a father who decides to say "No." just once to his demanding job in order to spend time with his family. A hero could be a teacher, a classmate, a stranger. The one sole thing heroes do for us, fictional and real, is give us hope. If one person can renew my faith in the human race, he or she is a hero to me.